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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26947660">Rottmnt drabbles and such</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalekhXigisi/pseuds/GalekhXigisi'>GalekhXigisi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the same 3 donatello headcanons i adore in collection [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Donatello (TMNT), Bruises, Canonical Character Death, Child Pregnancy, Chronic Pain, Depression, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Injury, Michelangelo (TMNT) Has ADHD, Nonbinary Michelangelo (TMNT), Permanent Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. (TMNT) Has ADHD, Shelldon is donnies fucking SON okay, Teen Pregnancy, Trans Donatello (TMNT)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:47:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,627</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26947660</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalekhXigisi/pseuds/GalekhXigisi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An assortment of oneshots and drabbles that done fit ny whumptober collection or just me wanting to explore ideas/rewrite the same idea a few details different. There's even some planning stuff through here!</p><p>Mostly Donatello focused with consistent headcanons for him specifically</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the same 3 donatello headcanons i adore in collection [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923205</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Donnie lays his head against the pillow, tears dribbling down the sides of his cheeks and landing on the fabric. He sniffles softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How many times has he found himself just… crying for no reason? Well, he wouldn't call </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> crying. He counted crying as his throat hurting and face scrunching and emotions boiling over as he finally has his moment. Its usually gone within a moment, anyways. But he doesn't feel much of anything as he stares at.the wall, blinking slowly. It takes all his energy to blink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's felt like this a while now, a bit numb to everything as the excitement of his life dies down. He can't find it in him to be happy and fuck knows he tries. He really does. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He isn't needed. He can't even begin to explain how much he needs to be needed. Ever since he was a child, that's all he ever wanted, to fit into the jigsaw puzzle that was his family, to accomodate and work well with them. But he doesn't, not anymore, not with the way everything has shifted and Donnie is no longer their problem solving brother. He can't improve their weapons nor his own, leaving him having lost his spot. He'd sacrificed so much for the sake of keeping them safe however he can, but, apparently, that doesn't mean shit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wall stares back at.him, metallic and shiny, despite the lack of anything outside of the lavender light. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sniffles once more and focuses the last remaining bits of his energy and motivation on jist closing his eyes. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Hands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Donnie wonders what his family would think if they knew about all the damage to his body. How they would feel about knowing just how fucked his nerves are, about how his hands shake sometimes and ache deeply and he just can't get them to stop no matter what he does so he has to wait it out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's why he does his eyebrows. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He'll never admit it to anyone but himself. He does them so he has som form of normalcy to his life, so that he can pretend his left hand doesn't shake so bad that sometimes he just has to put everything down and pray that ir stops soon. No one noticed when the left-handed Hamato suddenly started favoring his right hand a lot more, shifting things to how Splinter wanted them to be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thinks April has her suspicions, especially aftee Witchtown, seeing the way he had fumbled with his tech bo for a moment before Donnie was tossed away in jail. She'd never said anything about ir but he's sure she's noticed his favouritism since. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can't hide it now, though. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He just wanted to eat, that was all. Just a slice of pizza. Nothinf heavy, nothing hard, just simple </span>
  <em>
    <span>food.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And yet he'd dropped it and flinched at Raph's simple question of if he were okay or not. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's never told them. He's never told them a lot of things. The nerve damage happened when he was young, after all, and it's only gotten worse as he's grown. It's never looked like it would be getting better. It looks bad now as both hands shake, the beginning of a full.strain on his right having set in months ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears.pool.in his eyes ans he does his best to blink them back. He.withholds a sniffle, too, pursing his lips tightly and nodding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You sure," Mikey asks, big eyes blinking at him curiously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And for some reason, Leo putting a hand on his shoulder in a silently comforting motion is what breaks him, a wheezing sob leaving him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's the weakest of his brother, he knows that. They've never let him forget it. He's a softshell turtle whose body is so much more human than anything, skin similar to April's, not like his brothers' own. His claws are short and he rarely had to trim them like they do. There's so much about him that's different. He's</span>
  <em>
    <span> weak.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He's known that since he was a child, beinf taunted by Leo and Splinter only furthering it in agreeance, telling Donnie thwt if it was a problem, it was his problem and he needed to aolve it himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He'd tried. He has braces for his arms and even his touchpad is a brace that extends over his hand when it gets particularly bad. He's a step away from just begging Draxum to help him with it one way or another. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's not that Donnie was crying foe no reason. No, he's struggled with this since he was five and an invention backfired </span>
  <em>
    <span>bad. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But today has been stressful and a collection of close calls with his limbs protesting. It was full of ao much chronic pain and Donnie has felt like he's been a step away from shattering all day. And he is now, his shoulders tensing and sobs falling from his lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But arms wrap around him in a tight hug. He thinks it's Leo, but he can't be all that sure as he cries against whoever holds him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It takes a while for him to calm down. A lot longer than he wants for it to, sure, but Donnie hadn't wanted to start cryong, anyway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You good now," Leo asks in a soft tone as he slightly pulls away from the older twin. Donnie nods reluctantly, though his hands still shake. "Okay, good. Do you wanna talk about what just happened or?..." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I - I have severe damage in my arms. Nerves and muscles and shit lioe that." He wipes at his cheeks as carefully as he can, using yhe back of his hand. "The shaking just gets so bad sometimes that i can't do anything. It's just been happening since i was a kid. It's so bad in my left arm thst I csn barely even use it most of the timw." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"So </span>
  <em>
    <span>thats</span>
  </em>
  <span> why you started writing with your right hand!" Mioey concludes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Couldn't hold a pencil with my left. Still barely can." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Raph interrupts, "when did all of this even start, Donnie? You said its been goin' on since we were kids." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie mumbles a reply. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Huh?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Since I was five," he repeats. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"So its been </span>
  <em>
    <span>ten years,"</span>
  </em>
  <span> Raph almost exclaims, eyes blown wide. "Why'd you keep that a secret? Donnie, this could be </span>
  <em>
    <span>dangerous!.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You think I don't know that," Donnie suddenly yells eith a wide gesture of his arm. "I've known this since I was a kid! And sometimes it hurts so bad thst i just cry just so a headache will distract me from anything else! And there are days where i can't touch anything in my lab becaude i know that I'll break it on accident! But I'm already so fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>weak!</span>
  </em>
  <span> I'm a soft shelled turtle in a group of some of thr strongest shelled turtle breeds and I've have my shell physically ripped apart by the scariest enemy we have! I constantly need to be protected on the battle field! I can't even invent things that'll help anymore because none of you need weapons and all my inventions do is go rogue and mess everything up! And even if they won't, my hands start shaking so bad thst I can't physically do anything! Im so fucking wraking and </span>
  <em>
    <span>useless</span>
  </em>
  <span> that I just wish Shedder would have killed me so that I don't have to be here while knowing I'm nothing more than baggage fo ryou three to take around out of </span>
  <em>
    <span>pitt!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn't meant to say any of that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was meamt tonatay all in his.head, not come out of his mouth, just filter away eventually. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But now he's crying all over again and hes never wished he hadn't been mutated so much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Im a </span>
  <em>
    <span>liability,"</span>
  </em>
  <span> Donnie murmurs. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Unfinished bc im sleepy gn</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. unfinished angst</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Donatello always hated superstitions. Always, even as a child, looking to disprove whatever he could. However, since he’s had a run in with so many oddball villains and whatever else, he finds himself falling into greeting a few more of them with a reluctant nod and listening to what they have to say. After all, his brain works by asking question after question, never shutting up until he has the answers he needs. Even then, it’s never enough, not by his standards. He just wants to learn, to understand, to be so much better. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, when all three of his siblings (and April) came back from the yokai city raving about how amazing this woman they had met on the streets was, he found himself wanting to visit her more and more, especially when they came back so many times, trying to get Donnie to visit her, too. He believed in yokai magic, sure, but he was convinced it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>magic</span>
  </em>
  <span> whenever they said she had known their greatest fears or whatever the fuck it was, Donnie never listened all the way through. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he finds himself face to face with the yokai now, the tall, elk-like being towering over him in her gigantic shop. Vines fall from her antlers, collecting around her, blossoms blooming from them and highlighting her face, framing three closed eyes without issue to her aesthetic. She smiles at him, her head tilting as she does so. “Oh, you’re a curious one, I can already tell,” she says. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” he says softly, suddenly feeling so tiny beneath the eldritch being. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t falter, though, still smiling. “Splendid, little one,” she says instead, “why don’t you come and sit? I can already tell you want to know what’s going on.” She pats a seat beside her, a vine coming up and pushing against his back. He unintentionally flinches hard at the contact, which is only then when she falters, apologies flowing from her mouth. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that was a sensitive spot.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie’s thankful she stops pushing him, instead moving forward to sit down beside her. He curls in on himself immediately. “My brothers, they said you’re some all-knowing being or something? They talk about you a lot, but I haven’t really been listening, I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tilts her head slightly in interest, expression curious as well. “Nothing to apologize for. Your brothers, they’re the other turtles, right? They bring that spunky little human girl? She always raves about a purple one, a mauv one, and a scarlet one.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Probably Casey and Sunita,” he confirms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She lights up as she chimes, “And a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Donatello,</span>
  </em>
  <span> too! Are you that Donatello? She speaks so highly of you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blushes, head ducking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have they ever told you what I do here?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not really, just that you talk about their fears or something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For them, yes. I can read other’s pain, something that’s gone back through my family since the beginning of time. I can get a read on a person, find out their weaknesses, find out what does and doesn’t hurt both physically and mentally. And, dear, don’t take this wrong, but you’re certainly in pain.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He scoffs, though no word accompanies it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally, three eyes open, peering at him. Yellow lights up the room. “Oh, you built a son,’” she says, smiling widely, though her smile falls quickly. “I’m so sorry for you loss. Losing a child can never be easy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about,” he asks ina  whisper, though he knows what she’ll say. He’s sobbed about Shelldon enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’ve been betrayed so many times. All your inventions outside of him hurt you or someone else in the end… You know that, but it’s not true.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>im angry gn</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Soulmates - Donnie & April (can be Donnie/April if viewed as such)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>April can't explain how long she's known that whoever her soulmate is going to be, they're going to be a fucking freak. She attracts freaks, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a freak! She's honestly surprised that she, herself, has not been mutated yet! </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she hadn't. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She remembers years ago, back before she met her best friends, back before she even knew the bros, her wrist said her soulmate's name. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hamato Venus de Milo.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She'd asked her two moms and dad about it, confused. Hamato was a weird first name. Would she just call them Hammy or something? But her Mum explained that sometimes, there were cultural differences and last names were put first. But that lead to her asking why they had </span>
  <em>
    <span>"such a long ass first name."</span>
  </em>
  <span> Her mama laughed so hard at the question while her Mum and Dad flushed red. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It just happens sometimes," her Mama admits. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she got older, though, the name changed from such a long name to </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hamato Donatello "Donnie".</span>
  </em>
  <span> She had asked so many questions that her parents eventually explained what being transgender was and strings that came with it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Three days later, she met a turtles named Venus that managed to snag her into a million different adventures she never once expected. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet, once Venus got older and April learned the family's name was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hamato,</span>
  </em>
  <span> well, she had a few questions for Vee but never once asked, not willing to press as the name changed from </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hamato Donatello "Donnie"</span>
  </em>
  <span> to </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hamato (Jitsu) Donatello "Donnie".</span>
  </em>
  <span> Yeah, it was a mouthful and she would rather not say it if she didn't need to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn't until Vee's sixteenth "birthday" party that they said anything. They pulled April aside after, face blotted with a gentle blush as they took her from the sewers to the rooftops, flying there with a smile and not tellinf April anythinf as she peppered in a million questions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, though, they land and Vee doesn't hesitate to let April curl up to them the way they always do. However, it's impossible not to notice that Vee is still blushing and there are dag bags beneath their eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Mel, something wrong," she asks in a soft tone, using one of the millions of nicknames she's always used for them. Never has she used their real name since she connected the supposed dots. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And they pull away, laying back on the roof with their brows furrowing. The frown melds with a contemplative look as the peer up at the stars. April doesn't hesitate to lay beside them, too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They lay for hours, silence unbroken until Vee whispers, "Im a guy." </span>
  <em>
    <span>His</span>
  </em>
  <span> hands come up, pressing on his chest. "Ive known since i was a kid and I never said anything but Im sixteen now so if Dad doesn't like it, I can just leave and go somewhere else, maybe the Yokai city or something, i dont know. But i wanted to tell you before i told anyone because i love you and you're my best friend and I'd rather know if you hate me immediately and not be left wondering because Mikey told you thst I got ina. Fight with dad and stormed out and havent been back and then you'll ask mikey what we fought about and he'll tell you and then you'll think I'm disgusting and you'll hate my guts and-"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It's okay, Donnie," April interrupts with a smile. She flashes her wrist at him, pulling away the bracelets she's kept there for years to hide it away, "I've known for a while now." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie looks over at her, tears beginning to pool in his eyes as he sniffles, flashing his wrist at her in return. </span>
  <em>
    <span>April O'Neil</span>
  </em>
  <span> sit in golden letters, framing his skin perfectly, reflecting his own purple name on her skin. "I didn't wamt to tell you," he whispers as he replaces the arm band that holds his little ipad thing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pulls him into a hug, though, smiling. "Love ya, soulmate." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Love you, too, goes unspoken as he clings to her. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello i love them both so much.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Depression and blinking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Donnie can't find the motivation to close his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pathetic, right? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's just… </span>
  <em>
    <span>closing them!</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Its no more energy than breathimg!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he can only blink and let his blurred vision fall on the castings of the shadows that break the dim lighting of the hall light from beneath the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thw same song he's listened to for months now plays on again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's somber tune was supposed to edge him into sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It doesn't. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The discord link doesn't work anymore bc some chuckle fuck decided to.fuck thwt up for.everyone and I'm not mentally stable enough to change it just ywt so get fucked. I'll update yall once it's up. Gn</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Big Mama's promise and a handful of mishaps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warnings for rape, noncon, abortions, blood mention, vomit mention, noncon drug use, paedophilia, breeding, and just general icky shit</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Donnie doesn't talk about his emotions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't tell his siblings when he's upset. He doesn't run to his Dad when he gets a boo boo. He doesn't talk to his best friend when something huge happens. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He used to, when he was a kid. He clung to his father when Leo was mean and sobbed until a point where Donnie got told, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Purple, this is something you need to handle on your own."</span>
  </em>
  <span> Splinter told him that so many different times that, honestly, it became Donnie's mantra. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But there's a point whetr it comes from just internalizing it to protecting his family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't tell them how many times his shell gets cracked, even with his battle shell. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> it can take and absorb damages, </span>
  <em>
    <span>no,</span>
  </em>
  <span> this does not mean he can withstand being thrown around and stepped on a million times over and over again by Shedder. He repairs his shell with the help of the bots he made when he was a kid because he had been told the day before to handle things himself and his shell was cracked because he wandered in the sewers after a meltdown and fell. He handled it on his own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't tell them about the nightmares he gets. Theres a line between reality and dreams that he has trouble differentiating sometimes, especially when his mind likes to run for days at a time with no sleep whatsoever and then pass out. He can't help that sometimes he forgets that he isn't still laying on his own bed, telling Shelldon to activate protocols he hasn't ever wanted to use. He wears his battle shell whenever he's around anyone to avoid their questions about the cracks along his back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he certainly doesn't tell them about the time he visted the hidden city and didn't leave for a week. It wasn't like he didn't have a tendency to leave for days on end without warning, especiallg if he became fixated on something. It was what had lead him and Mikey to building Todd's new home. But he had never wanted the Hidden City visit to end with a drugged up Donnie stumbling out of a place he's never been able to accurately depict since, just vague as can be. He remembers the strangers that came in and would touch him, the heavy drugs in his system that he barely managed to thwart. He was asexual, for fuck's sake! He didn't want anything beyond holding hands ans maybe a kiss or two in a relationship, but not fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>this.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could never bring himself to admit what had happened when he stumbled back home, barely even conscious and having so much trouble holding himself up. All he remembered was Leo teasing him, an arm tossed over his shoulder that made Donnie want to hurl, and then making his way to his room and having his accumulation of bots flush his system of the drugs and other shit before he passed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He probably should have, though, because he's come to find that turtles store sperm and now he's pregnant or whatever the fuck. How the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> can he be pregnant? He knew he was trans, yeah, sure, that's all there. But he's just turned fifteen and he's</span>
  <em>
    <span> just</span>
  </em>
  <span> gotten Shelldon rebuilt! He doesn't need anymore kids outside of his programmed son! And between the biology of a turtle mutant and a handful of yokai he doesn't even know the faces of, he hadn't even thought this would be possible! </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And yet he's already done a handful of different things to stop the pregnancies, to get an abortion. He's bleed through so many different sheets and ruined his favorite blanket. He's avoided missions to keep himself from having to make up excuses for the severe nausea of whatever new medication cocktail he's created out of despirstion. He's fallen behind in so many things as the months wear him thin and his body falls into ruins. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's how he ends up in dept with Big Mama, fighting in her arena a handful of times for spermicide because his body is probably a step away from offing itself and Donnie's tired of bleeding and hurting and just generally feeling like someone has taken his body their hostage once more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To his surprise, Big Mama takes an interest in his sudden need of spermicide, not handing over the kit with it until he confesses why he needs it, though her expression turns sour as he explains more and more of what happened. He dumps every single bit of ir onto her with a forced neutral expression and can't say the way she gets mad at it doesn't make his stomach twist with fear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hands his kit over, though, and promises that she'll have everything taken care of for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Its the only breath of fresh aie he's had inna long while and he's thankful for her compliance without altering too many details. He does get a handful of questions from Leo and his dad about why he's suddenly Big Mama's hook for a handful of fights, as well as being fussed at by Splinter for making a deal with her. He twists the truth and says it was for an experiment, though, that he needed supplies and she was the only one who could deliver. He wasn't yet ready to go into </span>
  <em>
    <span>that.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>However, Big Mama does get in contact with him to warn him that her newest show is going to be goriest yet, that she's going to make surw any person that laid a hand on him or anyone else nonconsentually in that prison-likw place gets torn apart. It had taken her three days to figure out what was going on and it was a group effort, a new mutant who rose through the ranks for kidnapping teenagers, drugging them, and then letting whoever wanted go at them for the right price. Once someone chose to breed them, though, he wouls "let them go," which was why Donnie had so desperately needed the spermicide. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tells rhe mutant world of his crimes, as well as every single name thata on his list of customers. She may be a mob boss by all technicallity, yes, but she's grown an especially soft spot for the turtles, apparently, as well as that being apparently something thats crossing a line for her. Donnie is thankful for it, though he doesn't watch the show out of fear that he'll recognize names or faces and be brought back to those…</span>
  <em>
    <span> times.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>However, his heart stops when Splinter confronts him about it, admitting that Big Mama told him everything Donnie had confessed, though she had actually told Draxum, who had told Splinter out of concern. Having three parents really was fucking annoying sometimes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Why… why did you go to her," Splinter asks, a brow slightly raised. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"She could get me what I needex," he answers, confused about the question. Wasn't that obvious?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His father shakes his head, though, sighing quietly in that disappointed way that has Donnie tensing up for a tail slap. It never comes, though, as Splinter clarifies," No, no, I mean why did you come to </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> and not </span>
  <em>
    <span>me?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Or even your brothers or April? Or even </span>
  <em>
    <span>Baron?"</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first name bit was, admitably, new, but Donnie brushes over that for now. "You always told me to handle things by myself," he says, smiling as he looks at his lap. He's never admitted to anyone what he means by that. "You told me to figure out how to get over being a soft shell, to handle my meltdowns so I'd stop having them, to figure out how to not be socially awkward, to handle Leo and his teasing when we were younger." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Purple, I meant </span>
  <em>
    <span>small things."</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie scoffs, bitterness burning in his chest. "I was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>kid</span>
  </em>
  <span> and you told me to handle my two disabilities on my </span>
  <em>
    <span>own.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Being a soft shell and being autistic are two things that are </span>
  <em>
    <span>small?</span>
  </em>
  <span> The two things that make up my physical and mental state and have changed who I am am on a </span>
  <em>
    <span>daily basis</span>
  </em>
  <span> are </span>
  <em>
    <span>small things?"</span>
  </em>
  <span> He points an accusatory finger at his father. "So years od learning how to handle meltdowns and surpress them long enough until I was alone was small? All the times I've broken my shell and had to fix it myself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>small?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I've never said anythign about my dysphoria or my transition except when I came out to you all! Because every single huge thing for me is so </span>
  <em>
    <span>small </span>
  </em>
  <span>to you! </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I was five years old and my shell cracked! I fixed it up all by myself and no one even noticed what heppened! I stopped having meltdowns in front of everyone else and learned hoe to deal with everyone else's meltdowns and panic attacks because you could learn for them but could never bother figuring out a way to help </span>
  <em>
    <span>me!</span>
  </em>
  <span> I learned how to put on a pad and not bleed everywhere because the very first time I had a menstrual cycle, I got blood on the couch and you yelled at me for </span>
  <em>
    <span>hours</span>
  </em>
  <span> about how I had ruined your sofa!" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't know where this pent up anger has come from, but it burns so deeply within him now, hurting him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"So, </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> I wonder </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> I've never come to you with things that effect me and hurt me! I wonder why I had to enduce a handful of abortions on myself before having to go to Big Mama to get a handful of things I needed because my body is a piece of shit and can store sperm for </span>
  <em>
    <span>years!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Years of dealing with things all by myself and you wonder why I didn't tell you that I was raped multiple times, Dad! You're such a piece of </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span> sometimes that I fucking wonder why!" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stands from his spot on the floor in front of his dad's bed, ignoring Splinter's, "Purple-", and attempt to grab his shoulder to get him to stop him. He slaps the hand away with a glare. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Thanks, Dad," he says as he stares at the doorway he's ready to walk out of, "you've done some great things over the years, glad to see that we can add parenting four children perfectly to that list." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shoves the curtain open, glaring at his two brothers, as well as to Leo, who's standing at the end of the hall on one of his swords, which is plunged through the wall. He doesn't listen to their attempts to save their own asses and instead walks away without another thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. unfinished shelldon rebuild</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Donnie’s hands glide along the sleek metal, a smile adorning his lips as he pulls away to flap his hands, entirely giddy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright!” He says to himself, pulling back entirely to grapple at a few wires connected to his main computer. He immediately plugs them in with muscle memory aiding him. “Let the upload commence!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s worked months on this project. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Months</span>
  </em>
  <span> upon even </span>
  <em>
    <span>more months,</span>
  </em>
  <span> almost a whole entire year of building on it and facing the setbacks with a tearful sob adorning the worst of it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donatello thrums his fingers along the table, watching the upload, which seems to be going quickly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>thank fuck.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He doesn’t think he could handle a slow upload, too full of energy, too excited to see the results. The ten minutes it takes feels like years that weigh on him, but he watches as the little machine powers up. His fists ball, coming up to his chest and shaking with the unbridled excitement. He doesn’t think he’s ever been more excited for something in his life! </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The mechanical eyes light up, digital, pixelizing with their purple tones. His grin is so incredibly wide now. He stares at the machine with his heart hammering in his throat. THere’s a dip of fear that’s been so heavily associated with this project, that fear the whole reason behind how secretive he’s kept it. Donnie can’t even list the number of times he’s sat around his lab, eyes so full of tears and hope having lessened to the pits of suspected failure. He’s spent too many frustrated nights just steps away from quitting just to discard everythign now. He’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>so close,</span>
  </em>
  <span> watching intently as the little bot powers up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woah, Donnie,” comes the smooth audio, smoother than before, “You look old now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie doesn’t even find himself at all upset with Shelldon for his immediate comment, just fanning at his face, happily flapping his hands. “Yeah, yeah, it’s been a bit, buddy!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long’s a bit? You look old and crap now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s only been a year, I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> old!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been gone a year,” the little bot asks, frowning slightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie nods, leaning forward to unplug his mechanical son. “Yeah, I’m sorry. It took me a while to adapt your old processor to this one. We lost everything when Shedder attacked home.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How much is everything?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The only thing I could salvage was bits of you and some of Mikey’s paints. Clothes, inventions, all of it was gone. We even had to get Pops a new chair, which he wasn’t all that happy about.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shelldon snorts softly, not minding as Donnie gently positions him on the edge of the table. “And with you being all glowy while messign with my circuitry and stuff?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hamato clan magic stuff. We can kind of bond with elements now, sort of? Mikey’s got electricity, Leo’s got water and can teleport with his swords, Raph can make duplicates of himself and mess with dirt or something, I have a stick and can bond with metal and wood, apparently. It really doesn’t make sense.” He shrugs slightly, clicking the port shut on his side. “I can change the body upgrades, but an Astro-boy style body seemed a bit more convenient than the one I had you in, sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s certainly smoother,” Shelldon agrees as he bends his knees, straightening them. “So you can mess with metal? Like Toph?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“From Avatar?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sort of,” he nods once more, “It’s a lot different than that, but at the very basics of it, I can kind of do that. It’s really helped with figuring out what’s wrong with some of my inventions.” Donnie carefully grabs the bot, setting him down on the ground with ease. “Tell me if anything if difficult. Walking will be weird, so I’m here for support and redoing code if needed.” He presses a gentle hand against Shelldon’s lower back and another holding his shoulder, preventing the stumbling droid from falling to the ground. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Shelldon mumbles, a hand coming up to brace at the other’s arm, doing his best to hold himself up as he redoes what bits of programming are needed to walk steadily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys,” Donnie yells from his lab, peaking out into the hallway with a wide smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Raph, who had been leaving the bathroom, let out a yelp, hand coming up to his chest and eyes wide. “Donnie!” He snaps, glaring at the second oldest. “What in the name of your middle child nonsense could make you so willing to give me a heart attack? It’s ten at night!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I rebuilt Shelldon,” he announces, moving enough to let the little bot slide through the space between his legs and the doorway. The bot only stands at Donnie’s hip, sure, but he’s more humanoid than his previous design, a circular shell along his back and bunny-like audio receivers tilting in different directions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woah!” Raph bends down, doing his best to be eye to eye with Shelldon. “Been a long time, buddy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s what Dad said,” Shelldon replies. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dad,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> both teenagers echo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shelldon nods. “Well, yeah,” he says, gesturing at Donnie, “You did make me, so you’re kind of like my dad, right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The turtle’s cheeks flush bright red. “I - I mean, </span>
  <em>
    <span>yeah-”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Woah,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> comes a sudden yelp that makes Donnie jump, leaning down to put a protective arm in front of Shelldon, though he quickly realizes it’s nothing more than his twin being loud, “Is that Shelldon?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Indeed,” Shelldon replies, smiling along with his uncle. “Where’s Mikey?” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. menstruation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Menstruation. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What a bitch.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You know, when Donnie first accepted the gift from a yokai merchant to be human with the help of a piercing similar to Sunita’s broach, he hadn’t thought it would mean so much </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span> to it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His body was still the same, essentially. Physically female, presenting somewhere between male and androgynous. He certainly had similar qualities to his pop’s human form, which had been a large surprise, as well as the vitiligo that accompanied it, a mixture of light splotches along dark skin. He couldn’t say he disliked it, though, breathing in a hearty breath of fresh air after the school day. April had had to tell him more than a few social corrections, but he was so ungodly hyper with his neverending excitement. He practically felt like Mikey with his ADHD, though Donnie’s stimming wasn’t loud noises and instead a varying mixture of slapping things gently, flapping his hands, and just generally doing things with his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then again, it had to have it’s drawbacks. After all, the magic ensured he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>fully human</span>
  </em>
  <span> as long as he wore the piercing, and he had to wear it long enough for the flesh of his nose to heal, so it meant he had to experience the worst of being human. He didn’t think it would come so early on, only two weeks into his fun. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, Donnie </span>
  <em>
    <span>has</span>
  </em>
  <span> gone through puberty, </span>
  <em>
    <span>twice now,</span>
  </em>
  <span> but everything was different as a mutant. He made his own testosterone with a genetic modifier to ensure he didn’t have to do any of that. Being human meant he couldnt do anything like that without risking incredible harm to himself and it wasn’t like his health was ensured. He didn’t have insurance or anything. He was just a broke teenager. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wishes he were Raph or Mikey or maybe even Leo, who had gone with rings and a necklace. Donnie didn’t want a ring or a necklace, he wanted a septum piercing and he wanted to look cool. So, now, he has to lay in his bedroom, near tears as he grips at his stomach, curled up on himself as Raph rubs a sympathetic hand over his back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that Donnie hadn’t had periods before. He had, actually. His fix wasn’t a </span>
  <em>
    <span>cure all,</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was a metaphorical bandaid over his dysphoria. Once a year, he got a cycle, but that was it. He’s sixteen now, and he’s had them since he was eight, but he doesn’t think they’ve ever felt like this bad of a pain the entire time. His eyes squeeze shut and he grits his teeth, tears staining his brother’s shorts as he desperately tries to will away the pain. THe medication he’s taken hasn’t helped at all, nor the warm heating pack on his middle. He’s tried so many different positions to ease the burn of his pelvis and wild cramps but one that aids the other only increases its counterpart, making for a losing battle as he does his best not to start bawling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s emotions. Between the migraine, the pain, and the dysphoria, emotional turmoil is to be expected. It doesn’t help that he hates blood to begin with and seeing it </span>
  <em>
    <span>down there</span>
  </em>
  <span> every single time he does anything in the bathroom… It’s such a losing battle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Raph carefully pulls the blanket over Donnie’s shoulder, frowning gently as he does so. He hates seeing Donnie in pain. Donnie can name more than a few times Raph has become catatonic as seeing any of his younger brothers in pain, but Raph’s seemingly taking the nurturing “second dad” line Leo used to tease him with when they were kids to heart. But Splinter had yet to attempt to comfort Donnie, so Donnie doesn’t think that’s accurate now as Raph wipes away his tears with a tissue and does his best to keep Donnie as comfortable as he can. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>April comes in soon, smiling politely as she forces Donnie to lean up before giving Raph the boot out of the room. She makes Donnie lay back down on the bed and sets the cramps. It’s sort of intimate in a way Donnie doesn’t know how to feel about, honestly, knowing that she can feel the rush of blood as she smooths out knots and whatever else. Donnie doesn’t even know where she got these skills. Casey and April are both trans and Sunita can’t even have a menstrual cycle. But he’s thankful for her skills as the pain slows from unbearable to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>barely</span>
  </em>
  <span> tolerable. He’s still crying, though, beneath the flood of disgust and knowledge of what’s going to happen. He hates every single second, though April holds him tightly as he sobs into her shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i got endometriosis love</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. a little snippet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>human au</p><p>trigger warnings for ableism, slight transphobia, bruises, (sibling) bullying, and meltdowns. </p><p>Please note, Leo and Donnie are both 8 in this and while, objectively, Leo should know slightly better, he is also one in four children who have all been raised by Splinter, who is labelled as a "lazy parent" of sorts in this and had less part in raising them than Club Penguin certainly did for these boys.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Woukd you</span>
  <em>
    <span> stop,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Leo suddenly snaps at his brother, glaring at the other with blue eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie stops, his hands coming to an abrupt stop and mouth slamming shut. THe eight-year-old’s brows furrow in confusion. “Stop what,” he asks, not quite understanding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leo makes a vague flail in Donnie’s direction with a wide sweep of his right arm, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“That,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> he insists with a high-pitched, annoyed voice, “Moving your hands and talking! I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>care</span>
  </em>
  <span> about your new project! </span>
  <em>
    <span>Or</span>
  </em>
  <span> that movie about turtles that you tried to show me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah,</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’s cool Raph got a tortoise, but I don’t want one and don’t need to know about them, either!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie’s lips draw into a thin line, throat burning slightly. “I thought you liked when I talked?” He asks. His voice is still quiet, albeit a bit watery. After years upon years of being teased by Leo for keeping his silence, he thought that Leo would like it better now, as Donnie finally opened up and info-dumped about his interests. Mikey did the same thing and Leo never fussed at him for it. Not like </span>
  <em>
    <span>this,</span>
  </em>
  <span> at least. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Liked,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Leo says, stressing the last consonant to pronounce it more clearly. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>liked</span>
  </em>
  <span> when you started talking! I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span> because you don’t ever </span>
  <em>
    <span>shut up!</span>
  </em>
  <span> You’re worse than Mikey!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie can feel the tears burn in his eyes, voice lowering as he hesitantly asks, “What - What’s wrong with Mikey?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing!</span>
  </em>
  <span> That’s why you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>Worse!</span>
  </em>
  <span> You’re all </span>
  <em>
    <span>Distant Donnie</span>
  </em>
  <span> one moment and then you’re too loud and clingy! You’re like those koalas in dad’s show!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It takes everything in Donnie not to unhappily flap his hands, eyes and throat both burning appropriately with the urge to sob. He couldn’t really control how much he did or did not want physical contact. He couldn’t control whenever he decided to hyperfixate on a random topic. Those were things that came with no warnings and crept up on him like a beast ready to pounce and lay claim to their prey. He hadn’t even been talking about it that much, just about how strong a turtle’s shell could be, especially depending on their breed. And it isn’t like Mikey doesn’t infodump a lot, too! (But Leo and Mikey had shared interests that Donnie simply didn’t overlap with…) </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nods, though, not entirely sure how to respond. His throat feels like it’s going to close as he whimpers, “S - Sorry, I’ll shut up now,” with a quick nod. He clenches his teeth as hard as he can will them, trying to bite down the urge to sob. “I’ll be right back, though,” he says, standing sharply and turning. His lip wobbles rapidly as he attempts to make his getaway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Leo yelps. He lunges forward, grabbing Donnie’s wrist in a tight grip. “You’re gonna go cry and I’ll get in trouble!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> he weakly interjects. It wasn’t like Dad was going to yell at Leo, anyway. Dad loved to tell Donnie to shut up, especially during commercials. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you are!” His hand tightens even more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie’s own hand shakes within the other’s grip. “It’s okay, I’ll be quiet,” he whimpers, trying to pull his hand free from Leo’s grip. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re never quiet! You’re all loud, like a banshee.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“B - Banshees are usually girls, though,” he mumbles, though he can’t say he’s done much research on them. “I’m not a girl.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>act like one,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Leo snorts, “You can’t even pull away! Mikey and Raph can both pull away.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s - That’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>fair,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Donnie whines through the panic building in his throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re the one saying you’re a boy, too, and then acting like a baby!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie can just barely breathe as he focuses on the singular thing he’s ever fully gathered from any action movie he’s ever seen, namely the one he saw his brothers watching with their Dad a few months ago. He suddenly leans forward, letting his brother pull him. Leo’s eyes widen in surprise as the older twin slams into the younger’s chest. Instantly, Donnie hooks his leg around Leo’s legs, hitting the backs of his knees and using all of his weight to slam Leo to the ground, knocking the air out of him. Donnie can’t even process what he’s saying as he pulls away, but he hears himself choke out an, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> through sobs as he forces himself to stand. He leaves Leo on the ground and runs to his room to tuck himself in his closet. A meltdown comes the instant his door is shut and it doesn’t take long for Raph to find the boy bulling out chunks of his own hair, rocking as he screams and cries into a pillow. His voice is shot by the end of the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie doesn’t apologise for the bruise he leaves on Leo’s back, nor does Leo apologize for the bruises on Donnie’s wrist. Donnie doesn’t understand how he was in the wrong for protecting himself, though his father says that it’s because he “shouldn’t talk to much” or something like that, Donnie can’t hear it over the static in his own ears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Years later, the family wonders why Donnie is always quick to be angry and snap whenever he gets the chance to. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. spike</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>rape elements, underage, abortion, vomitting, implied/referenced child abuse</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When had it first happened? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When had he first laid on the bed, letting lips press to his skin, believing it to be love despite his discomfort with the situation? He was a tortoise yokai, after all, the closest to the same species and so incredibly nice to Donnie. Well, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>thought</span>
  </em>
  <span> he was nice but, then again, Donnie was touch starved and tended to go through bouts of incredible clinginess. Spike had told him so so many time, told Donnie he was too clingy, told him he needed to stop being so touchy feely. He’d also told him to stop being so distant, that a healthy relationship involved comunnication. He supposes healthy relationships wouldn’t also involve a yokai hundreds of years older dating a teenager who was desperate for validation, though. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he thinks he needs it. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>needs</span>
  </em>
  <span> to hear that someone wants him, whether it be while he’s showing off an invention or showing just how good he is without a gag reflex. He needs to wanted, needs to hear that someone loves him, needs to hear that someone won’t yell at him for unintentionally speaking out of place. No, no, he doesn’t hit Donnie, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>immediately.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Donnie gets </span>
  <em>
    <span>one warning,</span>
  </em>
  <span> which he likes to reason is better than getting slapped by Splinter’s tail, but there’s a slight different that he has yet to admit and isn’t willing to, either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he does it over and over again, laying in bed, whimper as he takes it all, putting up a show, getting whatever he can out of this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After all, Big Mama had introduced Donnie to Spike, the business man at large with the hidden city. If Donnie made a singular mistake, well, he’d heard those threats before, the thought of every little secret about his body coming out. He’d worked hard to pass of as masculine, he wasn’t about to toss that out the window for nothing. He doesn’t think he can afford to, honestly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it all leaves a disgusting flavor on his tongue, salty on his lips. His breathing shakes and he remembers all the times he was uncomfortable to the contact, though submitting to it because Big Mama was getting him places, too, and he wasn’t sure what Spike would tell her if he messed things up. He knows for certain by the ache between his legs that he wasn’t called </span>
  <em>
    <span>Spike</span>
  </em>
  <span> just for nothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Raph finds him staring down a few handfuls of empty packets in the bathroom. THe younger Hamato is too violently ill to even realizing his brother has walked into the room, struggling to keep down even his own saliva as he sobs into the toilet. The offbrand abortion pills he’d managed to snag from a mystic yokai did wonders (he’s already used them before), but they always killed his stomach every single time he needed them. A pill for each egg, and he’d been unfortunate enough to reach the number twelve this time around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All he knows is that suddenly Raph is yelling at him and his head hurts </span>
  <em>
    <span>way</span>
  </em>
  <span> too much to hear his brother being that loud. It doesn’t help that Mikey and Leo pile in to see what’s up, both having their own too-loud reactions that leave Donnie a bigger mess than before. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I will be expanding on this bc I'm touch starved what about it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Shelldon - Shredder aftermath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>No one expected it, honestly. But, then again, they hadn't exactly considered the relationship Donnie had carried with </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> of his tech, especially the ones he favored. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's after the absolute carnage that was their fight with Shredder, once they've recollected back home, all facing up to their damaged and hoping to save what little bit of their home they can before they let out New York's humans. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Donnie's broken wails as he looks through the rubble rip at their minds, making everyone jump and turn sharply, even Draxum being included in that bit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie sits on his legs, knees folded as his tears collect heavily on the debris he's on. It's certainly digging into his flesh, scraping it like how it would April's. But he runs his hands over a collection of twisted metal and clings to it, despite the shrapnel that collects in his hands and arms, splinters biting at his cheek as he rubs his face against the metal, spliting skin without sympathy. It was moments like these when the Hamatos and those around them remember just how </span>
  <em>
    <span>soft</span>
  </em>
  <span> Donnie truly is, physically unlike his brother and mentally unlike them, as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leo is beside him first, attempting to pull the twisted metal away but Donnie wails even louder, clinging to it as tears pour. "No, no, that's my </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy,"</span>
  </em>
  <span> he practically screams at his twin as the distress tains his voice. Shrill clicks and other noises leave him, a broken attempt at a comforting churr towards the metal truly setting a scene that puts fear in his brother's heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And by the time everyone else has gathered around, they slowly come to realizw what he's clinging to so desperately. Donnie's still young, yes. He's fourteen (according to their dad) and he'll be turning fifteen soon, by the timr their next mutation day comes up, just like the other three young Hamatos, but there is something that he distinctly is that they, well, distinctly </span>
  <em>
    <span>aren't.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He's a </span>
  <em>
    <span>father,</span>
  </em>
  <span> one of whom is holding tightly to his son, the same son that's perished now. Shelldon is nothing more than metalic remains that cut at his skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Donnie has some form of maybe maternal instinct towards the little bot he's treasured and grown over the last stretch. He's depserately clicking and trying to communicate with the metal, the scene so painful as he mourns his twisted child. They don't even know how in the world Donnie could have recognized the metal corpse whatwith how mangled it was. Vaguely, Leo remembers years back when he had watched a movie with his dad and asked a question like that about some crime show and Splinter had wistfully answered, "A parent just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Blue." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The distressed chirp Donnie lets out will haunt them, though. And Raph frowns so deeply as he pulls his brother into a tight hug. The tears mingle eith the blood on his cheek as his cries only deepen. And the others join in, even Draxum included in that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The metal still cuts at his ckin, but they know better than to pull him back now. His grief is deep and heavy, the love for his first invention to not go rogue (on his part) and relarionship turned familial still too fresh, fresher thsn the shattering of his shell. It still isn't entirely healed, no where near it. And neither is this as he holds tightly to his son. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Splinter hadn't lost children. He had a hefty few close calls, especially as of recent, but it's different now as he watches his son mourn. His son was mourning his child, Splinter's own grandson, his other childrens' own nephew, Draxum's grandson. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wonders if his mother can see him now, can see the way Donnie desperately makes any sort of noise in hopes of awaking the dead. He wonders if she's met Shelldon, if Shelldon is even in the afterlife. He silently hopes so, knowing that bot was just as alive as his children are right now. He clings a little tighter than necessary to his son in a moment of sympathy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"His hard drive isn't even salvageable," Donnie chokes in a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's a shattering realization that everything Donnie has built up to now has been entirely shattered right in front og them. His whole life was destroyed so easily. His inventions, all the back up files on his computer… If they weren't destroyed by Shredder, either the collapse oe the water that followed got them. They don't blame him as he sobs right in front of them. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'll be doing a human au version of this next for obvious angst purposes, thank you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Shelldon, Shedder aftermath but make it human</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey, hons, warnings for implied rape/non-con, concealed/secret pregnancy, implied/mentioned giving birth without any form of help or pain killers, child pregnancy, child parent, blood, sickness, canonical character death (albeit now a child and much more worse), and past abuse on Splinter's part.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It haunts Donatello. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thinks it always will, when he wakes up screaming his son's name, the child's face so present in his mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie had been so young when he had Shelldon. He hadn't even had his first menstrual cycle, just in the wrongest of places at the worst possible time in hopes of getting some extra metal in the junkyard. His brothers hadn't wanted to come and Donnie had seen a new shipment. He had stumbled his way home, dazed, confused, and burning in places he never had before. He hadnt known what was happening until it was too late and his stomach had began to show very distinctly what was going on. He hid it for months before April had noticed and Donnie had pleaded to all that was out there that ahe didn't tell anyone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He struggled to give birth in his lab just a bit after his tenth birthday. He was so surprised no one realized what was going on until Donnie had left his lab with a baby in his arms, just barely alive and relying on the pad he had on a lot more than he should. He had presented the wailing baby to his father with a barely-there plea of, "Please, help me," so close to passing out and in too much pain to even take in what was going on. It didn't help that he could so distinctly remember the blood on his floor. He had given birth squatting, like how he was supposed to, but it meant his blood stained more than just a few things. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he was fourteen, though, he watched a magical suit of armor kill his son right in front of him after having damn near killed Donnie only a short period of time ago. He remembers recovering, Shelldon by his side as much as he could be. Donnie would smile at the things he brought him, ruffling his son's fluffy hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But now his hands can't play with those coils, can't teach Shelldon how to do his hair properly the way Raph had done with Donnie and Donnie had done with Mikey. Instead, he holds his face in his hands, sobbing, breaking down once more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Its only been a few months since he's been there, watching as everything had gone to shit so quickly. He remembers being barely there, digging through the rubble, screaming, pleading that Shelldon wasn't actually dead, that Shedder hadn't killed his son, but the way he had broken down in his brothers' arms had told him so differently as they left. His screams and sobs hadn't diminished for a long while. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Raph tentatively peaks into Donnie's room with a soft, "Donnie?" accompanying his intrusion. It was normal now, the night terrors of his son's death and the.screaminf he would do usually waking at least one family member. Raph was a light sleeper and Leo had insomnia, so they were usually the ones there to help. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Donnie can't list the number of times he's broken down in his fathers' arms, wailing for his son, begging for it to all be some cruel joke and this to all be fake. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knows he shouldn't blame his great-something-something-grandpa, but every single time he even thinks about it whatsoever, whether it be Shedder or Saki or even how quick Karai was to forgive him, well… to say the least, Donnie feels a meltdown eldging forward. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's depressed. He knows that. Even if his room and lab are both clean, he knows that he's mentally under the weather. No one expects Donnie to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>bounce back.</span>
  </em>
  <span> After all, there's no more childish screams from a small boy that fill their home, just the terror of a parent who feels there weren't enough to protect their son. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie pulls his hands away from his face, sobs light as he sniffles. "I - I couldn't protect him," he whimpers to his oldee brother. "I couldn't save my - m - m -my </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Raph," he chokes as his sobs seem to come back, renewed and broken. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie remembers the month after Shelldon was born. He had been so sick in that time, constantly being nursed by his father while trying to spend as much time with his own son as he could. It was so hard. His health was horrid and he couldn't list the number of times he would just pass out with the effort it took to hold hid son alone. Shelldon was a big baby, after all, a miracle to have survived, just like Donnie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He remembers holding him with half-lidded eyes, Raph sitting beside him and frowning as he watched his brother put forth all his energy and effort to stay conscious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I don't get it," Raph had said, "You're hurting yourself a lot over him. He's just a baby? You always said you hated babies." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie had hummed, smiling lightly. "Yes," he said in a soft tone,so quiet, wary of his half-asleep son in his arms, "but its a lot different. It's chemicals in the brain and parental instincts that kick in. Shelldon's my son and it feels like everything is screaming at me to make sure he's happy and loved." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The memory flashes through his mind as Raph moves forward, sitting on the bed and immediately pulling Donnie into his grasp. He holds so tightly to the younger Hamato. He's careful of his back of he rubs soothinf circles over the skin. "You didn't fail to protect him, Dee. You did everything you could." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And he's still…" His voice trails off as his hands shake. He presses his forehead to his brother's shoulder. "I couldn't save my baby." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And now he's with Gram Gram," Raph comforts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie bitterly snaps, "And the same guy eho murder - murdered him!" He inhales sharply, though it hurts his lungs and takes a lot of effort not to cough over. "Shelldon shouldn't have to-" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Raph only shakes his head gently and the comment dies on Donnie's lips. The blood still feels fresh on his hands. His son's blood still feels like it's seeping through, collecting on his clothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He remembers the moments afte rhe had pushed out Shelldon and then the afterbirth, having one of his little bots patch him up as he bit down on an old wooden spoon he remembers being hit with more than a few times as a kid. He had held Shelldon, so in love with the baby, so willing to give up everything for him despite everything. He had cleaned his son as carefully as he could before going to his father in hopes of getting his son to stop crying. He'd passed out soon after Shelldon's cries had calmed. He still had no idea who cleaned all the blood and otherbodily fluids from his lab, but he was thankful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Happy fifth birthday, baby," Donnie mutters quietly, his voice barely there. He hopes Shelldon can hear him, can hear the hopeful wishes he sends him daily. But remembering the fact that it's his son's birthday makes him cry that much harder and he can hear Raph sniffle beside him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The whole day is glum, to say the least. Donnie barely leaves his bed and every single time he tries to eat, he feels too nauseated to get past the first bite. It makes his family worry, but they know what today means, what Donnie randomly bursting into sobs means. He isn't the only one grieving, after all. All of his family had helped raise Shelldon, even Draxum had in the last stretch of it. Everyone cries at least once today, even their teo dads and April. And Donnie ends up choking down sobs to a bowl of cereal, the lucky charms long forgotten as Leo holds him so tightly, securely holding onto his brother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And at the end of the night, Leo fprces Donnie out of his room to watch a movie with the rest of the family. Donnie wants to protest so bad, but the energy to even talk isn't there so he lets his brother drag him along. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hates.movie nights, now. There's always an ampty spot on hid lap or beside him, hid son no longer crawling all over him before Donnie would pass him a fidget toy so he could watch a movie and then pass.one to Mikey, too. Both of them had ADHD and a lot of Donnir knowing how to help Shelldon came from prior knowledge with Mikey's ADHD and Donnie's own autism. It worked out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Donnie realizes half way through the movie that Mikey is struggling to stay still and mumbles a quiet, "I'll br right back, I need to get something from my room," to Leo. His brother gently nods, watching eith furrowed brows as te other gets.up. Five minutes later, he returns with a small bucket and hands it to Mikey before sitting back down on the couch and letting the younger lay hid head on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Donnie," Mikey whispers softly, earning a hum from the older, whose eyes move down to the youngest. He's got the little bucket open, peering at the fidget toys Donnie's made and collected over the years wistfully. Donnie hasn't even looked at the bucket since he recovered it feom their destroyed lair, one of the only things that had survived everything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You can use them," Donnie says in reply. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mikey smiles softly at him and nods, bringing a hand up to wipe at his face, "No, no, I know that." He stands up, moving forward to give Donnie a hug. Donnie smiles lightly as he returns the hug. Leo scoots away just enough for the two to have their moment. "Thank you," he mumbles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie nods against him. Its the first bit of normalcy theyve had in a while, honestly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hours later, though, when everyone was supposed to be asleep but everyone was certainly still awake given what today was, Donnie was called into his father's room. It was odd, given that he and his dad tended to butt heads constantly, both so incredibly stubborn and there having been a disconnect between the two with how Splinter had handled Donnie's childhood compared to his brothers' and there had especially been one after Shelldon was born. Splinter had been so against it, had fussed at Donnie so much. He had been angry and the transition from hating Donnie and Shelldon to loving them had taken three years. Donnie was happy his dad no longer saw him as the family disgrace, yes, but it hurt sometimes when he thought about it too hard. Especoally about how reluctant his father had been to help him with Shelldon, but doing so pettily and in a way that always hurt Donnie's feelings in a way he just couldn't rver describe. He remembers the painful exhaustion of being sick, sobbing near daily out of frustration as his father, almost reluctantly, nursed him back to health and watched his son for him. It had been a bitter time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You wanted to see me, Papaw," Donnie asks, trying to add his bit of flair to the words. It doesn't work as he enters the room, standing beside the doorway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Purple," his father says quietly, "I know… I know I hace failed you as a parent. I could not protect you from so many things and I know I hurt you so much more than I've helped you over the years, but… I hope that this can be the beginning of an apology towards my failed parenting skills." He digs something out from his closet, a box that he tentatively passes to Donnie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Its much heavier than the teenager expects it to be, damn near dropping it as he finally gets a hold of it. "Dad," he mutters quickly, though his father doesn't lst him finish. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You were an amazing father to your son, Donatello," he tells him as Donnie opens the box. It makes Donnie's eyes sting. "April and I worked hard on finding all of these photographs and putting them togethwr. I know it does not bring Shelldon-" Donnie flinches. "-back, but I hope it helps you however it can." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donnie frowns at the little book in feont of him and opens it up, his heart dropping into his stomach as he looks at the picture. Its Donnie, so young, holding onto his wailing son as Splinter mimicks rocking a baby beside him. Donnie's a mess in it, fresh out of popping a child out of him, barely even there, but his son and hands are clean in his grasp. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks over the pictures, tears falling down his cheeks as he looks at his son grow. He smiles lightly at the first time he had done any form of hair style on Shelldon, the beads he had played with for hours after prying more tears out of him, remembering how he had turned his head to hear the click, loving the auditorial stimulation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Theres so many pictures, so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> very many. They must have been an accumulation of thr photos from the shared Hamato (and April and Draxum) iCloud stuff Donnie had set up for his siblings years ago that wveryone had adapted to. He hadn't even tried looking at the photos. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finds himself crumbling against his father, breaking down and sobbing. It hurts in a way he can't pin, but he knows it helps as he holds tightly to Splinter. "Th - Thank you," he chokes down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His father pats his hair, humming softly with a nod. It's all Donnie needs right now, truly. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh, this one hurt, I won't even lie. This hurt to write a bit. I'll probably flesh out an au like this, honestly, just because its fun.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please leave likes and comments! If you particularly liked my fic, here's my Discord server!<br/>https://discord.gg/eGkwayy</p></blockquote></div></div>
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